but I'll be heading over to http://xcharmstars.blogspot.com for a breath of fresh air and a platform that would allow a more personal touch filled with day to day updates and pictures that would depict snippets of my life.

Catch me there, love you all.

Yourself.

I'm really upset that I've to close down my Twitter but this is the best I can do. I'm so sick of people judging me from my mere sentences. Who are you to judge me when you don't really know me? I don't think my life can be depicted in just a few sentences so I'm gonna be more active here instead.

I'm crying but I won't speak because all that's hurting eventually go away one day.

1. If there's only one word to describe me and I don't even think I need to highlight this even more - Materialistic
2. While some of you might think the word in point 1 should be horny, ok, I agree.
3. I LOOK FIERCE BUT I'M REALLY REALLY REALLY NOT.
4. I speak more English and am more open than anyone else but one thing for sure, I'm extremely traditional and I've ultimate respect for the Chinese culture and my roots. When I get married, I'd want to go through the full process of a Chinese wedding, no kidding.
5. I have a very bad self esteem even though it might seem like I'm always very full of myself.
6. I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT RICE. NO RICE, NO XCHARMSTARS.
7. I seem to have split characters. One day I look like your average rocker chick, the next day I'm drenched with my Red Ferragamo hairband and fluffy dresses and the next minute you know, I'm dressed in couture.
8. I've this habit of covering myself with my comforter even when it's mother fucking hot. Without it, I feel a little insecure.
9. I want a girl best friend.
10. 2011 hasn't been great so far. I lost friends, left Melbourne and school isn't quite relaxed now but no regrets because everything happens for a reason.
11. I've a love hate relationship with this boy called Colin Yong. Half of the time I get irritated with his antics and I complain a lot about him, but most of the time I still look at him with adoration because it's him who've changed me from drama to serenity.
12. I'm very embarrased to say that I like kpop because I remember laughing at my friends who love kpop and now I'm a bigger fanatic than how they are.
13. I've very bad grammar and I'm trying my best to change it. I don't know what the fuck was I doing in primary school when everyone else was supposed to study proper grammar.
14. You know what they say about scorpios? The many bad points about it? Yes I'm all of them. I get jealous easily and I'm very possessive.
15. My biggest dream is to be a successful career woman, a doting wife and supermama.

There you go, xcharmstars.

Classes in Singapore officially start on 18th July. This time round I've every reason to study hard and give my all because I've fucked up big time and there's no more turning back for me. I either do my best this time or die. I'm working hard for a minimum of 75% in order to make myself proud.

The biggest love of my life is officially Chrome Hearts. With prices escalating more than your average Tiffany & Cos, they're the most beautiful silver pieces ever made. Right now, I only have a pendant and a bangle which already amounted to $1.3K and I'm SAVING FOR MORE. So guys, you know what to get me for my 21st ha ha ha.

Peace out.

I officially dictate that my non existent blog posts are like dreams, they are always in my mind but they never come out written or fulfilled. I can't seem to comprehend how I used to religiously blog down every detail during a day when I was much younger. These days, I'm so caught up with the love of labels and delicious Korean boys to even think about doing anything else.

When I think of Korean boys now, I think of Chrome Hearts because all good looking boys like G Dragon and Taeyang wears Chrome Hearts. I love to be ignorant when it comes to labels because this would save me from a completely empty wallet. My mum's always telling me what's the point of having labels all over when my wallet's empty. But this is how I am, I'm particular about what people see me on the surface but I don't quite care how I see myself.

And when I think of Chrome Hearts, I think of how nice it would be if my partner shares the same likes as me. Colin's not into labels at all because he's all simplicity is cool and I respect that....but sometimes it's nice if someone would bother to go gaga with me over brands. While I'm gushing over a bag that's 5k, he is happy with a bag that's $200. I've so much to learn from him but materialism is in my blood and till the day I'm forced to only eat bread, I might stop thinking of labels.

I think I'm going to be a very selfish mother because it'll definitely pain me to give half of my salary to my kids. I would probably spend that money on myself. I hope no guys see this post because I do not wish to be single all my life. But honestly, after being in rounds over and over again, I've totally scraped the idea of a happy marriage and a forever. I'd rather just not have it if I'm gonna lose it at the end of the day. Fuck forever, it only happens in fairy tales because Snow White magically woke up with a kiss and Cinderella has funny animals that can make her a dress. I've been kissed while I was sleeping but I continued sleeping and I'm too fucking scared of animals to even be close to them. From there, I gather that I can never see myself in a forever. But it's okay, I don't think anyone needs love to succeed in life though it would be nice to have some warmth every now and then. Besides, I'm really too young to think of what's gonna happen in future. Who knows I may have sex with David Beckham one day and take over the role of Posh Beckham (highly unlikely but what are dreams for?) and be carrying Birkins like they're just rings on my hands.

I don't quite know why the sudden change in my thinking but I think it might be the process of growing up. Maybe till I find someone who really loves me more than I love him will I really think of the reality of Love and all its counterparts.

P/S: I'm still with Colin and I still love him the same way but forever seems a little far right now.

I tend to think a lot and I think I might need someone who would be patient enough to gather all my thoughts, have them analysed one by one and tell me "everything's fine".

I haven't had much love lately, I haven't felt like anyone has been there. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in a crowded room. I see familiar faces and I talk to people I love everyday but deep in me I still feel lonely.

I miss intimate moments. I miss us looking into each other's eyes, doing nothing but just staring hard with fingers crossed. Days like those don't come by anymore, could it be that nothing lasts forever? And is this  what it means when they say even he sweetest chocolate has an expiry date?

I don't wish to think, all I want is to be free.

I try to tell myself not to be nice to you because at some point in our relationship, I wish you would bother to step up and try to love me with all your heart and in the bestest way you can. Judging from my overwhelming tweets and insanity, one can tell that I have failed this mission terribly. I am not sure if I should be proud of myself. I have finally learnt what love really is - giving your all without expecting anything in return. I tell myself to take two steps back and wait for you to run after me but I end up taking four steps ahead and being right in front of you, holding you tight. So what's the burning questions? What is it that you have that make me so physically and emotionally attached to you? Is it because I'm north and you're south that's why we can never be apart? We're too different, everyone says it, but after what has come and gone, we find ourselves still together and not throwing in the rope. I'm proud of us and our bloody strong relationship but at some point of time, all I want to do is to just lie back and soak myself in your love.

Even if it's just for once.

Would you rather choose to think the cup is half full or half empty?

You can't blame me when I lose my sanity and start to sink into the depression mode. The mode whereby I start speaking in a language only my own soul understands or when I stuff countless sausages in my mouth hoping they would turn into something I would love to devour using my mouth. Negativity hits everyone of us. Dude, even when you're a baby you cry because you think your mum's gon leave you when she's merely going somewhere to get your fucking diapers. It's in us just like how materialism is in my blood. Sometimes I wonder why the fuck do I bother to read so much into intricate yet incessant details of my life when I could be eating ice cream and slurping down chilli. But that's how we're like - a fucking bunch of retarded and difficult human beings.

During the weekend I experienced how it was like to commit suicide while going on a ride that had me fell almost 100 levels high. For that, I don't think I'll ever have the fucking nipples to jump down from a building and kill myself, it is almost like eating your own shit piece by piece side by side. Came to a conclusion that it's not wrong to be depressed then, since I'll never dare to harbour ending my life thoughts again.

Not gon' think so much for now, gon' fall in bed and sleep real right because that's the only time I'm at peace and free from the cruel reality of this place we call home.

xx

My blog is losing its identity. I no longer blog in abstract details that would require you to ask me out for tea in order to find out what has been pretty going on in my life. I blame this on Colin because ever since I've found love, my life has been revolved around magnified emotions that are a thousand times bigger than what it should be in reality. But again, everyone who's in love usually exaggerate matters. For example when your boyfriend kisses you on your forehead you squeal like a mouse and shiver under your sheets. Dude, didn't you get those forehead kisses from your parents when you were a kid? You shrugged it off, cherry.

This is merely just a welcome entry of how Charmaine used to blog. Colloquial tinged with bits of mysteries.

I hope I'll be having more of that here.